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aromanticismThe short version:
- I can dedicate my time to things that are important to me, such as my mental health and art;
- I don’t need to show my worst to people – I don’t owe them that – or make myself seem stable and desirable all the time.
- I’m not as afraid of abandonment as I was before, because I don’t have intimate and intense relationships anymore;
- I don’t suffer as much with the peaks of emotion the borderline disorder brings;
- I feel whole being by myself.
The long version:
I’m diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a mental disorder that affects the way emotions are processed and which has fear of abandonment as one of its main traits
Being borderline is having a hard time naming feelings and sometimes being unable to differentiate different emotions. It is also having a poor self-image and emotions that fluctuate from one extreme to another, and being unable to maintain healthy relationships because of that and the fear of abandonment.
That said, all relationships that I have been, romantic or platonic, were unstable and marked by intense dependence and fear of abandonment. This brought me a great breach of trust in people, and I realized that I could never be myself around others.
The isolation, however, was good for me. It made me reflect about the various kinds of solitude, and made time for me to be comfortable around myself. I didn’t need to tell about my worst to people, and this made less unstable, less fearful and a lot more confident.
Another thing that happened was that I stopped actively seeking relationships. This took away the pressure of making myself seem stable or desirable all the time; I started acting in a more natural way around others, giving them – and myself – some space.
After thinking about the relationships I was in, I realized that I am aromantic or at least in the aromantic spectrum.
That is because all the “romantic love” that I felt for other people was so magnified by the borderline disorder, and so difficult to tell by my inability to name feelings and emotions that I thought they were romantic attraction.
Being comfortable around myself made realize that I don’t need intimate relationships. I’m content with the friendships I have today, and I don’t want to make them “evolve” into queerplatonic or romantic relationships – mainly because this “evolution” notion is actually even more amatonormativity.
(x-posted to my tumblr)
- I can dedicate my time to things that are important to me, such as my mental health and art;
- I don’t need to show my worst to people – I don’t owe them that – or make myself seem stable and desirable all the time.
- I’m not as afraid of abandonment as I was before, because I don’t have intimate and intense relationships anymore;
- I don’t suffer as much with the peaks of emotion the borderline disorder brings;
- I feel whole being by myself.
The long version:
I’m diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a mental disorder that affects the way emotions are processed and which has fear of abandonment as one of its main traits
Being borderline is having a hard time naming feelings and sometimes being unable to differentiate different emotions. It is also having a poor self-image and emotions that fluctuate from one extreme to another, and being unable to maintain healthy relationships because of that and the fear of abandonment.
That said, all relationships that I have been, romantic or platonic, were unstable and marked by intense dependence and fear of abandonment. This brought me a great breach of trust in people, and I realized that I could never be myself around others.
The isolation, however, was good for me. It made me reflect about the various kinds of solitude, and made time for me to be comfortable around myself. I didn’t need to tell about my worst to people, and this made less unstable, less fearful and a lot more confident.
Another thing that happened was that I stopped actively seeking relationships. This took away the pressure of making myself seem stable or desirable all the time; I started acting in a more natural way around others, giving them – and myself – some space.
After thinking about the relationships I was in, I realized that I am aromantic or at least in the aromantic spectrum.
That is because all the “romantic love” that I felt for other people was so magnified by the borderline disorder, and so difficult to tell by my inability to name feelings and emotions that I thought they were romantic attraction.
Being comfortable around myself made realize that I don’t need intimate relationships. I’m content with the friendships I have today, and I don’t want to make them “evolve” into queerplatonic or romantic relationships – mainly because this “evolution” notion is actually even more amatonormativity.
(x-posted to my tumblr)
