Here be aromantics

Being aromantic is kind of a tough one to explain.

It seems simple enough to say, “I don't feel romantic attraction.” But then you're left trying to explain what on earth you mean by “romantic attraction”, and, well, if anyone can clearly put that into words, please let us know.

It's a common part of the aro experience to struggle to understand what other people are talking about when they describe “falling in love” or having “romantic feelings” for others. We see our friends, families, and characters in all kinds of media devoting massive amounts of time and effort towards finding and maintaining romantic relationships, and... we don't really get it. Many of us have asked people to explain what the difference is between love and being in love, without ever getting a response we understand. Many of us are told, or expect, that one day we will meet the “right person” and suddenly all those odd behaviours will make sense. Many of us wonder if maybe we're just being too picky. But months, years, decades pass - and it just never happens the way it’s supposed to.

That's not to say that we don't love people. Many of us love our friends and families deeply and powerfully, and spend a lot of time and effort caring for the people we love. We just don't generally feel what others describe as a qualitatively different, “romantic” love for any partner or partners.

Some of us wish we did. We wish we could feel the urge that everyone else seems to have, to settle down with a partner or partners and build a life together. We see the vast majority of people enjoying “romantic” behaviours that seem baffling or outright off-putting to us, and feel like maybe we're missing out on something.

Some of us try to go through the motions. We start a “romantic relationship” with someone we love, do all the things we’re “supposed” to do - and find that instead of discovering the butterflies and gooey feelings others describe, we just feel deeply uncomfortable with the whole situation.

Some of us reach the conclusion that we're honestly, genuinely happiest being single - and that while we're happy for people who do enjoy romantic relationships, the things they describe are not things we would ever want for ourselves.

Some of us build relationships that don't neatly fit into existing social categories of “friend" or “partner”; the word “queerplatonic” was coined to describe relationships that cross boundaries of what many people would consider acceptable in a platonic relationship, but which are not romantic.

Some of us feel it's more accurate to describe our experiences as existing on a spectrum, rather than exclusively aromantic - we call ourselves “aro-spec”, encompassing a range of different experiences with the concept of romantic attraction. Some of us are still trying to feel our way through questions of identity, and where exactly we might fall on that spectrum.

Many of us want and enjoy sex. We have sex in a variety of different circumstances and arrangements, that suit our needs and those of the people we have it with.

Aro experiences are as varied as the people who have them.

What we do know for sure is that many of us have found support and solidarity in coming together under the umbrella of “aromanticism” to share our experiences and learn from each other. To talk about how we navigate a world that prioritises and glorifies romance as the ultimate kind of love, and how we deal with the challenges of not fitting into that narrative.

Or sometimes just to exchange recipes.

That is: While we may experience interpersonal relationships differently from most of the population, we’re all just trying to figure this “life” thing out, same as anyone else.