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aromanticismI’m not a fan of coming out the “stands up during a family gathering, I have something to tell you, I’m aromantic” way. It’s not… Well, I’m aware those are my hang-ups about it, not wanting people to then ask me questions about it, doubt it and all. In a perfect world I wouldn’t have to come out at all, because people wouldn’t assume I’m straight or alloromantic, but in a world where we’re now, I’m just going to be selectively (to some people) and sneakily (no grand announcements, more like mentions of identity on social media, “oh I’m doing this project about aromanticism”) out.
This modus operandi applies to both my bisexuality and aromanticism. The major difference between the two is that I’m out as bisexual to my parents, but not out to them as aromantic. A lot of things contribute to this state and the fact I’m not changing anything about it (at least yet). First of all, when I came out as bisexual, I didn’t know I’m aromantic yet. I also had a girlfriend, so it was relevant to tell them to explain that this person is my girlfriend. So that cat was and still is out of the bag and it took a lot of courage to tell them and their reaction wasn’t really great. At least with bisexuality I didn’t have to explain to them what it means. Though my mom did say that she had held hands with other girls when she’d been my age, so maybe some explanation would have been useful after all.
With all this, when I was discovering I was aromantic, I only told friends who I’m really close with and they took part in my “I think I’m aromantic” moment. They’re still the only ones who I really talk about it outside of the aromantic communities. I wanted them to know this part of me and it was something that I spent a lot of time thinking about, I wanted them to know what’s going on in my life. Ideally I'd like every significant person in my life to know, but there's still the fear of not being accepted or believed.
My parents I’m not our to - I worry that they would interpret it as me convincing myself not to try dating and that even if they said they accept it, they’d expect it to change. They do joke about me becoming a single cat lady though, so maybe it won’t be such a surprise when I do come out. Because right now I want to wait until they can see that my aromanticism isn’t something that comes from being young and inexperienced. I want them to see that it really is part of my life.
When I come out, I’d mostly like for people to believe me, trust that I know my experiences, however strange they may seem to them and not pity me. If they want to ask questions to understand it, that’s fine and I’d rather answer questions myself than have them search on the internet and maybe come to wrong conclusions about what I want and what I don’t. I’d rather they weren’t questions that imply that my aromanticism is something that needs fixing, for example. So, no questions of the “How can you know you haven’t just me the right person? Have you tried talking to a therapist about it?” variety. Questions like “What does it mean to you? How do you see your future?” would be fun for me to answer.
I also posted some coming out posts to my personal Instagram - saying that I'm bisexual and aromantic - so most of my friends know about it, at least the general image of it. It'd be easier to just say I'm bisexual (and I've done that before too), because this may not be fully accepted, but at least less people question if it's really a thing, they see and know people who are bisexual too, while with aromanticism I'm probably the first person to ever mention that to them.
To me that's the first problem with coming out as aromantic - with more well-known orientations, people may not believe that you are (for example) gay, they may not accept it, but at least they believe that it's possible to be gay. With aromanticism and other less well-known identities, there's also the problem with people believing you that it's possible not to feel romantic attraction, not to be interested in having a romantic relationship, not desiring to stop being single.
This is one of the reasons why I jumped at the idea of an aromantic website - it can be a way to legitimize the identity, at least for the people who aren't completely close-minded. For those that are more open, but haven't heard of it before, seeing some organization, seeing something that gives off “serious” vibes, it may be easier to take the first step, the step of believing that being aromantic is possible. The other steps we'll have to work on too, but right now I think we can close the gap between aromanticism and more well-known queer identities in this.
I'm not saying this will have an instantaneous effect, because being believed that aromanticism applies to you and being accepted are still factors that will stop me personally for some time still, probably. Though considering the amount of time I spend on projects that have to do with aromanticism, maybe this will just… get out eventually.
This modus operandi applies to both my bisexuality and aromanticism. The major difference between the two is that I’m out as bisexual to my parents, but not out to them as aromantic. A lot of things contribute to this state and the fact I’m not changing anything about it (at least yet). First of all, when I came out as bisexual, I didn’t know I’m aromantic yet. I also had a girlfriend, so it was relevant to tell them to explain that this person is my girlfriend. So that cat was and still is out of the bag and it took a lot of courage to tell them and their reaction wasn’t really great. At least with bisexuality I didn’t have to explain to them what it means. Though my mom did say that she had held hands with other girls when she’d been my age, so maybe some explanation would have been useful after all.
With all this, when I was discovering I was aromantic, I only told friends who I’m really close with and they took part in my “I think I’m aromantic” moment. They’re still the only ones who I really talk about it outside of the aromantic communities. I wanted them to know this part of me and it was something that I spent a lot of time thinking about, I wanted them to know what’s going on in my life. Ideally I'd like every significant person in my life to know, but there's still the fear of not being accepted or believed.
My parents I’m not our to - I worry that they would interpret it as me convincing myself not to try dating and that even if they said they accept it, they’d expect it to change. They do joke about me becoming a single cat lady though, so maybe it won’t be such a surprise when I do come out. Because right now I want to wait until they can see that my aromanticism isn’t something that comes from being young and inexperienced. I want them to see that it really is part of my life.
When I come out, I’d mostly like for people to believe me, trust that I know my experiences, however strange they may seem to them and not pity me. If they want to ask questions to understand it, that’s fine and I’d rather answer questions myself than have them search on the internet and maybe come to wrong conclusions about what I want and what I don’t. I’d rather they weren’t questions that imply that my aromanticism is something that needs fixing, for example. So, no questions of the “How can you know you haven’t just me the right person? Have you tried talking to a therapist about it?” variety. Questions like “What does it mean to you? How do you see your future?” would be fun for me to answer.
I also posted some coming out posts to my personal Instagram - saying that I'm bisexual and aromantic - so most of my friends know about it, at least the general image of it. It'd be easier to just say I'm bisexual (and I've done that before too), because this may not be fully accepted, but at least less people question if it's really a thing, they see and know people who are bisexual too, while with aromanticism I'm probably the first person to ever mention that to them.
To me that's the first problem with coming out as aromantic - with more well-known orientations, people may not believe that you are (for example) gay, they may not accept it, but at least they believe that it's possible to be gay. With aromanticism and other less well-known identities, there's also the problem with people believing you that it's possible not to feel romantic attraction, not to be interested in having a romantic relationship, not desiring to stop being single.
This is one of the reasons why I jumped at the idea of an aromantic website - it can be a way to legitimize the identity, at least for the people who aren't completely close-minded. For those that are more open, but haven't heard of it before, seeing some organization, seeing something that gives off “serious” vibes, it may be easier to take the first step, the step of believing that being aromantic is possible. The other steps we'll have to work on too, but right now I think we can close the gap between aromanticism and more well-known queer identities in this.
I'm not saying this will have an instantaneous effect, because being believed that aromanticism applies to you and being accepted are still factors that will stop me personally for some time still, probably. Though considering the amount of time I spend on projects that have to do with aromanticism, maybe this will just… get out eventually.
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Date: 1 May 2019 14:38 (UTC)And that's how I still talk about it, it might come up as a "because I'm aromantic", but even then it's always in reply to someone claiming I have a social duty to engage in relationships, dating or the culture around human pair-bonding rituals. My overrriding "no thank you" attitude has always been there, and is the "important" part -- my aromanticism is just one of the obvious explanations I can go to if I need to explain that no, really, I enjoy being an empty-nester please shut up about this topic forever now.