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grzanka posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
aromanticismImagining a world without amatonormativity… where do I even start? It’s a big mental exercise. It seems to influence so much in everyone’s life. I’m going to look at it from an aromantic’s perspective, this is Carnival of Aros after all, but not only, because there’s just so much that amatonormativity puts its greedy paws on and ruins.
From a really theoretical perspective - I wonder if the identity of aromantic (or polyamorous) would even be needed in a world without amatonormativity. Maybe - because they still could signal a particular person’s preference. I’m thinking that the pressure to know what your preference is wouldn’t be as intense though without the pressure to conform to The One Perfect Narrative - romantic love, and exclusive, long-term relationships based on it. Let’s be real, the strength with some of us feel aro can be proportional to the strength with which the environment you’re in pushes that narrative and doesn’t accept your freedom to do what you want to do and be who you feel you are. In a world without amatonormativity, people who now describe themselves as aromantic would be able to think about what they want in life and experiment with different bonds and relationships if they choose to with more ease, without the environment and media (and as it sometimes seems, *everything*) reminding them that straying off the beaten path is choosing the road to unhappiness.
It also makes me wonder, with the expectation of school, then love, then marriage, then kids removed, what would the lives of people who we now call alloromantic look like. Because they too wouldn’t feel the pressure to romantically love and partner, that those are the only options available to them. Crushes and infatuations aren’t everything and alloromantics don’t always pursue them. The common example is that they’re focusing on career instead. In a world without amatonormativity, this wouldn’t be seen as a “necessary, but sad choice”, the person wouldn’t be asked if they *really* thought about it constantly. It’d be just respected as a choice, because of the lack of expectation that romantic love and partnering is the most important value for everyone.
Right now, everyone feels the pressure of amatonormativity. And the real guaranteed benefit of entering a romantic relationship is this - the disappearance of the pressure to find it, the feeling that you’re doing what everyone is supposed to be doing, and sometimes that following this road is a way to being happy. Obviously, this benefit is not enough when you’re in a relationship that is not satisfying and is making you unhappy.
But now, imagine a story in a world without amatonormativity:
Two friends from college who decide to live together because of the affection they feel towards each other. They have a room each in an apartment and sometimes they sleep together when they want to and sometimes they have sex when they want to. One of them gets some crushes and sometimes befriends those people to see what they’re like. Those new acquaintances also meet that person’s friend and befriend them. One of those crushes turns out to be very emotionally compatible with the friends - with one of them they share a passionate, romantic love towards each other and with the other a loving friendship. Physical affection is expressed freely, the two romantically in love usually sleep together, though it really all depends on the day. Sometimes the person who had a crush on them wants to sleep alone, sometimes with the college friend, sometimes all sleep in one bed. They all decide to move to a bigger house and start a family. The two college friends are willing and capable of conceiving a child, so when they have sex they stop using contraception. The baby has three parents. The grandparents don’t assume someone in this situation is “losing something” or “being taken advantage of”. They ask about whose DNA the baby shares only to look at the medical history of the baby’s ancestors - it is useful to know that. When the baby is born, the three parents are made legal guardians. When one person dies, the others automatically inherit after them, because of the household and the close bond they shared.
There would be a lot of stories: someone who lives alone with their cats, a beekeeper living with their sister, friends buying apartments in the same building and helping each other raise their children and adopting the older neighbor as a grandparent, a romantic couple living together and not trying to convince everyone around that they’re doing life wrong… Okay, the last example got a bit salty, but yeah. No feelings of superiority because of having that exclusive, romantic thing. Just everyone doing what makes them the most satisfied. A nice world without amatonormativity.
From a really theoretical perspective - I wonder if the identity of aromantic (or polyamorous) would even be needed in a world without amatonormativity. Maybe - because they still could signal a particular person’s preference. I’m thinking that the pressure to know what your preference is wouldn’t be as intense though without the pressure to conform to The One Perfect Narrative - romantic love, and exclusive, long-term relationships based on it. Let’s be real, the strength with some of us feel aro can be proportional to the strength with which the environment you’re in pushes that narrative and doesn’t accept your freedom to do what you want to do and be who you feel you are. In a world without amatonormativity, people who now describe themselves as aromantic would be able to think about what they want in life and experiment with different bonds and relationships if they choose to with more ease, without the environment and media (and as it sometimes seems, *everything*) reminding them that straying off the beaten path is choosing the road to unhappiness.
It also makes me wonder, with the expectation of school, then love, then marriage, then kids removed, what would the lives of people who we now call alloromantic look like. Because they too wouldn’t feel the pressure to romantically love and partner, that those are the only options available to them. Crushes and infatuations aren’t everything and alloromantics don’t always pursue them. The common example is that they’re focusing on career instead. In a world without amatonormativity, this wouldn’t be seen as a “necessary, but sad choice”, the person wouldn’t be asked if they *really* thought about it constantly. It’d be just respected as a choice, because of the lack of expectation that romantic love and partnering is the most important value for everyone.
Right now, everyone feels the pressure of amatonormativity. And the real guaranteed benefit of entering a romantic relationship is this - the disappearance of the pressure to find it, the feeling that you’re doing what everyone is supposed to be doing, and sometimes that following this road is a way to being happy. Obviously, this benefit is not enough when you’re in a relationship that is not satisfying and is making you unhappy.
But now, imagine a story in a world without amatonormativity:
Two friends from college who decide to live together because of the affection they feel towards each other. They have a room each in an apartment and sometimes they sleep together when they want to and sometimes they have sex when they want to. One of them gets some crushes and sometimes befriends those people to see what they’re like. Those new acquaintances also meet that person’s friend and befriend them. One of those crushes turns out to be very emotionally compatible with the friends - with one of them they share a passionate, romantic love towards each other and with the other a loving friendship. Physical affection is expressed freely, the two romantically in love usually sleep together, though it really all depends on the day. Sometimes the person who had a crush on them wants to sleep alone, sometimes with the college friend, sometimes all sleep in one bed. They all decide to move to a bigger house and start a family. The two college friends are willing and capable of conceiving a child, so when they have sex they stop using contraception. The baby has three parents. The grandparents don’t assume someone in this situation is “losing something” or “being taken advantage of”. They ask about whose DNA the baby shares only to look at the medical history of the baby’s ancestors - it is useful to know that. When the baby is born, the three parents are made legal guardians. When one person dies, the others automatically inherit after them, because of the household and the close bond they shared.
There would be a lot of stories: someone who lives alone with their cats, a beekeeper living with their sister, friends buying apartments in the same building and helping each other raise their children and adopting the older neighbor as a grandparent, a romantic couple living together and not trying to convince everyone around that they’re doing life wrong… Okay, the last example got a bit salty, but yeah. No feelings of superiority because of having that exclusive, romantic thing. Just everyone doing what makes them the most satisfied. A nice world without amatonormativity.
