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aromanticismThe topic “It's great to be aro” opens the second month of the Carnival of Aros, now sailing off on its own to the great unknown (but hopefully to more good conversations about aromanticism).
I happen to be an aro of the nonamorous/nonpartnering variety and also of the variety that is sure they don't experience romantic attraction. And I love my aromanticism, it suits me!! Growing up I assumed that I would end up in a romantic relationship one day, didn't question it at all, and only when it did happen, I realized I didn't want it. Then I found out that a lot of people called aromantics didn't want to be in romantic relationships, because they didn't feel romantic attraction and others still had a complicated view on it all. As many before me, I realized that I've been fooled by amatonormativity - the assumption that everyone's life should include a partnered relationship of the romantic kind. The concept of amatonormativity explained so much to me - I’m not repulsed by seeing romance in general nor am romance negative, but the topic just didn't interest me in relation to myself. Knowing of aromanticism helped me let go of the expectation that I'll end up married one day, that it's inevitable and that felt pretty freeing.
It also helped me be more understanding of my alloromantic friends, weirdly enough. I no longer assumed their experience with romantic love is pretty close to my experience, so I became more sensitive when talking to them about romance (no “plenty fish in the sea" business anymore). I also stopped bothering them with the “but everyone finds a partner eventually” nonsense.
In short - my life improved a lot when I realized that there's a name for what I was feeling and that there are others like me. It all clicked into place, a missing puzzle piece style. It's not all daisies, but in the end I feel it's better than not knowing.
So that is why I love being aro for myself reasons. There’s also an aspect of other people there though. I think that as a community we’re at a point where we can help others find themselves by making aromanticism more visible, more accessible. It may be in questions like “I don’t seem to be able to fall in love, why do my romantic relationships feel so constraining?” that are maybe more associated with aromanticism, or in “Is it love that I’m feeling towards this close friend? I’m not sure if I love this person romantically, but I’d like to be in a romantic relationship with them” or “Is romance all that important?”.
What we can do is uncover the range of possibilities that lay in front of everyone - choices to make about abstaining from partnered relationships, marrying friends, romantic relationships, non-romantic partnered relationships, polyamory… Right now the pervasive perspective is that a person can only be happy when they’re in a romantic relationship and while that’s true for many, it’s not true for everyone - you’re happy if you’re not forcing yourself into anything and following your feelings, trying things out and allowing them to just not work for you. I think this is what knowledge about aromanticism can be to some people - a sign that what you “should” want doesn’t matter and that everyone really is different.
Our presence can also contradict the narratives that relationships of a specific type have to look a certain way, follow a certain script, fit a specific mold. And not in a way that I think many people associate with aromanticism - saying that you’re just a sheep if you want to have a romantic relationship. I mostly want people to know that there are options to explore and pick whatever fits them best and also for them to know that every relationship will look different anyway. I want more honest communication and less performing customary actions that are thought to make another person happy without considering their needs, just because something is supposed to be done in romantic relationships. I want more honest communication and less constraint in communicating certain needs, because something is not supposed to be done in a friendship.
I’m going on a huge “amatonormativity hurts allos too” tangent here, but it’s important to me too. Aromanticism is a helpful concept for everyone to know about!! I’m here for this. The relationships some aromantics form can show that it’s even possible to build a successful (that is - mutually satisfying) romantic relationship that is not based on mutual romantic attraction. And a non-romantic partnership is possible too. Because what makes a good relationship really?? It’s not only attraction, we can shift the focus a bit to communication, shared goals and mutual trust that can (and should) build relationships too.
And a society that is less focused on romance as the most desired expression of interpersonal bonds would be better suited to the needs of aromantics. It would allow them to question freely without the fear of being seen as immature or being not believed outright if they do decide on an aromantic identity. And right now I think the first step is bringing to public attention the nonamorous people and people in non-conventional relationships that are already functioning and existing in the society.
I also have to say that right now in March 2019 I’m especially glad to be seeing some discussion spring up, about the community, terms we use and other issues that I think wouldn’t be brought up if it wasn’t for the Carnival. We’re starting conversations with people who are new to me and have some new (again, to me) perspectives. I think this is in part the way forward, the conversations about grey identities, quoi identities, split attraction model, where does this all fit with the aro and aspec communities, because we have and need language tailored to ourselves. And even if right now they can be a source of frustration too, they’re important to building a better, stronger, more inclusive and accepting community. But, we should focus on actual meatspace presence, because it's very underdeveloped at the moment. I'm sure in some time this will change though and I’m glad to be aro and to be here for it.
I happen to be an aro of the nonamorous/nonpartnering variety and also of the variety that is sure they don't experience romantic attraction. And I love my aromanticism, it suits me!! Growing up I assumed that I would end up in a romantic relationship one day, didn't question it at all, and only when it did happen, I realized I didn't want it. Then I found out that a lot of people called aromantics didn't want to be in romantic relationships, because they didn't feel romantic attraction and others still had a complicated view on it all. As many before me, I realized that I've been fooled by amatonormativity - the assumption that everyone's life should include a partnered relationship of the romantic kind. The concept of amatonormativity explained so much to me - I’m not repulsed by seeing romance in general nor am romance negative, but the topic just didn't interest me in relation to myself. Knowing of aromanticism helped me let go of the expectation that I'll end up married one day, that it's inevitable and that felt pretty freeing.
It also helped me be more understanding of my alloromantic friends, weirdly enough. I no longer assumed their experience with romantic love is pretty close to my experience, so I became more sensitive when talking to them about romance (no “plenty fish in the sea" business anymore). I also stopped bothering them with the “but everyone finds a partner eventually” nonsense.
In short - my life improved a lot when I realized that there's a name for what I was feeling and that there are others like me. It all clicked into place, a missing puzzle piece style. It's not all daisies, but in the end I feel it's better than not knowing.
So that is why I love being aro for myself reasons. There’s also an aspect of other people there though. I think that as a community we’re at a point where we can help others find themselves by making aromanticism more visible, more accessible. It may be in questions like “I don’t seem to be able to fall in love, why do my romantic relationships feel so constraining?” that are maybe more associated with aromanticism, or in “Is it love that I’m feeling towards this close friend? I’m not sure if I love this person romantically, but I’d like to be in a romantic relationship with them” or “Is romance all that important?”.
What we can do is uncover the range of possibilities that lay in front of everyone - choices to make about abstaining from partnered relationships, marrying friends, romantic relationships, non-romantic partnered relationships, polyamory… Right now the pervasive perspective is that a person can only be happy when they’re in a romantic relationship and while that’s true for many, it’s not true for everyone - you’re happy if you’re not forcing yourself into anything and following your feelings, trying things out and allowing them to just not work for you. I think this is what knowledge about aromanticism can be to some people - a sign that what you “should” want doesn’t matter and that everyone really is different.
Our presence can also contradict the narratives that relationships of a specific type have to look a certain way, follow a certain script, fit a specific mold. And not in a way that I think many people associate with aromanticism - saying that you’re just a sheep if you want to have a romantic relationship. I mostly want people to know that there are options to explore and pick whatever fits them best and also for them to know that every relationship will look different anyway. I want more honest communication and less performing customary actions that are thought to make another person happy without considering their needs, just because something is supposed to be done in romantic relationships. I want more honest communication and less constraint in communicating certain needs, because something is not supposed to be done in a friendship.
I’m going on a huge “amatonormativity hurts allos too” tangent here, but it’s important to me too. Aromanticism is a helpful concept for everyone to know about!! I’m here for this. The relationships some aromantics form can show that it’s even possible to build a successful (that is - mutually satisfying) romantic relationship that is not based on mutual romantic attraction. And a non-romantic partnership is possible too. Because what makes a good relationship really?? It’s not only attraction, we can shift the focus a bit to communication, shared goals and mutual trust that can (and should) build relationships too.
And a society that is less focused on romance as the most desired expression of interpersonal bonds would be better suited to the needs of aromantics. It would allow them to question freely without the fear of being seen as immature or being not believed outright if they do decide on an aromantic identity. And right now I think the first step is bringing to public attention the nonamorous people and people in non-conventional relationships that are already functioning and existing in the society.
I also have to say that right now in March 2019 I’m especially glad to be seeing some discussion spring up, about the community, terms we use and other issues that I think wouldn’t be brought up if it wasn’t for the Carnival. We’re starting conversations with people who are new to me and have some new (again, to me) perspectives. I think this is in part the way forward, the conversations about grey identities, quoi identities, split attraction model, where does this all fit with the aro and aspec communities, because we have and need language tailored to ourselves. And even if right now they can be a source of frustration too, they’re important to building a better, stronger, more inclusive and accepting community. But, we should focus on actual meatspace presence, because it's very underdeveloped at the moment. I'm sure in some time this will change though and I’m glad to be aro and to be here for it.
